Um, No Thanks, I'm Not Hungry Any More

Guess what we won't be having on Sunday!

That's Just Super!

Ah, Joe.

Here's the story: On April 26, 2003, the Kansas City Chiefs had the 16th pick in the NFL draft. The Chiefs had just finished one of the oddest seasons in the history of professional football. They had led the NFL in scoring — the whole NFL. They had scored 121 more points than the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who won the Super Bowl. They had scored more points than the Dallas Cowboys and Houston Texans combined. That’s not all. They had lost only two fumbles the whole season. That's an NFL record.

How many victories would you expect from a team that scores more points than any other team and loses just two fumbles? Well, the Chiefs did not win that many. They won eight games and lost eight games. No team has ever done so little with so much.

How did the Chiefs pull that off? Easy. They played terrible defense all year long. The Chiefs’ offense scored 38 in New England; the defense gave up 41. The offense scored 34 at San Diego; the defense gave up 35. The Chiefs lost 37-34 to Denver at home and 39-32 up in Seattle. There were no mysteries. The Chiefs had to improve that defense.

So there they were with the 16th pick in the NFL draft. And Chiefs general manager Carl Peterson and his coach Dick Vermeil looked closely at the board — and they simply did not see a defensive player worth taking in that spot. Not one. "I would have gone defense," Vermeil said afterward. "Yeah. But I understand the process."

So when the Pittsburgh Steelers called and said they wanted to trade up into the Chiefs' slot — the Steelers had the 29th pick overall — well, the Chiefs were thrilled. They could trade down and get a little bit extra for the effort. They happily made the trade. And with the Steelers' pick, they took running back Larry Johnson, who has had his great moments and his awful moments but, of course, does not play defense.

The Steelers, using the Chiefs' pick, selected Troy Polamalu, who might be the best defensive player in the NFL.

Pictures Needed

There is a reason I have never doubted the existence of evil in the world, and the reason is Ace Virtueson.

I am wondering if anyone has pictures of the gang, Racer, Pudge, Booker, Sandy, Christi, Mariam, Pastor Alltruth...

Also, there is a rumor there are mixed-race comics, now, but I don't believe it. I don't think Ace is that tolerant.

Inauguration Day...Otherwise known as More Politics

Today the 44th president of the United States of America was sworn in.
Mom had told me that I probably didn't have to worry about my friends getting obsessed over Obama's victory or McCain's loss today. And for I minute, I almost believed that, maybe, I would go through the day without having to trudge through any politics.

Boy, was I wrong.

It started with the girl who came to school in all black. When I asked (full of tact and politeness of course) "Hey! Did someone die or somethin'?" She responded that it was inauguration day, and she was mourning that our nation was going into "The Dark Ages".
It continued with the class optimist who came in almost in tears. (Partially because of Obama, and partially because he had forgotten his homework.)
There was one kid, who shall remain nameless, was ranting and raving about Obama and how terrible he was. Eventually I asked them to tell me what was so bad about him. They stood around, with brilliant insights like "um" and "er" and "ah" and eventually said "Because he's Obama!" and left.
We watched Obama and Biden get sworn in at school. For a while we watched it on a channel that had no commentary...and then we switched over to Fox.
And that was pretty disturbing.
After hearing about how the menu for the Inagural lunch was the most fascinating bit of news today, we got to see some incredible technological know-how, as one commentator said, "Now this should be a shot of the inside of the White House" and ended up showing us some helicopter that he couldn't quite identify.
I am not making this stuff up
We also watched Obama's speech.
And I thought it was pretty impressive, actually.
And maybe, Obama will have enough supporters that he can inspire America in ways that have not been seen since Reagen was president.
And...maybe he'll be another George Bush.
All I know is: Today is today, and now is now, and if I keep thinking about the future I'm going to forget to brush my teeth and get in trouble.

One Froggy Evening

Kiss Off

Imagine my horror, yesterday afternoon, when my favorite radio station appeared to have flipped formats while I was listening to it.

Imagine how lousy it felt to wake up not to music I actually enjoy but to a studio full of syndicated idiots laughing at their own not-particularly-funny jokes.

Imagine the contempt in which Kansas City must hold for whichever moron decided what this market really needs is yet another "Hot Contemporary" station with a bunch of syndicated programs. Who decided what KC really wants is another Mix 93.3 or KUDL 98.1 or Star 102.1 or Lazer 105.9 or K-Jo 105-5 or Majic 107.7, only without any local flavor? And doesn't Entercom own several of those already?

Wait, I see, the new 99.7 KISS-FM will offer Kansas City "a blend of starpower, celebrity access, pop culture and today's hit music." Or should we be impressed that it is aimed at women?

Bringing John Cook from Philly to be program director for this and the country station? Hey, being a PD cannot be that hard, right? Plus, at least he knows a market, right? I'm sure he has a chart that will help him.

I was going to ask Entercom to bring the Boulevard back, but, frankly, I don't care enough. And, by the time Entercom realizes it made a mistake, I'll have found something else, and won't want to bother changing my pre-sets back.

Thanks a lot!

This is a post for everyone who gave Isaiah birthday and Chanukkah money:
This is what he bought:

This is the Nerf Vulcan EBF-25. This is a dart gun of massive proportions. It is the first ever fully-automatic Nerf blaster. It comes with a tripod and can shoot up to three darts per second. It is the chain gun of dart blasters.
And who do you think is the number one target for this piece of modern machinery?
That's right.
The big brother.
...
ME!
So, to everyone who gave Isaiah the money to buy this thing, I ask you, from the bottom of my heart, to stick with LEGOs next year.

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,747

Please observe the following bit of lunacy work of art in which a man places firecracker-stuffed bananas on his face and lights them one by one.

Think Globally, Act Locally by Brooklyn-based complete nutter artist William Lamson

As the Metro.co.uk put it:

What elevates it to greatness, beyond the whole banana-head explody thing, is the care and delicacy with which he rearranges the tattered banana fronds after they've been splashed across his face. It's clear that there is method here, a deliberate movement towards an essential yet unattainable goal of exploding-banana perfection. It is not the result that elevates it to the realms of greatness; it is the striving to constantly improve, to perfect, to reach for the giddy heights of transcendence that lurk forever beyond mortal reach.

There is, unfortunately, much more at his site, but we cannot be responsible for lost IQ points if you watch any of it.
Important Note: If either of the boys try this, they will pay their own medical bills, because I am not going to explain to the insurance that my brilliant son covered his head with exploding bananas. And if they survive, I'll make them wish the Apocalypse had come in time.

Some Kindly Advice

So on Friday afternoon, I was cleaning off our stovetop. It had gotten extremely filthy, so I was having to use a lot of elbow grease to try to clean it. Isaiah was watching me and asking about the methods I was using: the sponges, scrub brushes, and cleaning fluids I was using to try to loosen the burnt in crud. After a while, my 9 year old son said to me, "You know, Mommy, maybe you should clean the stove every day, and then it wouldn't be so difficult to clean. It's like the way Isaac and I keep the table in our playroom clean every day, so we never have a huge mess on it to clean up." I could barely keep a straight face as I thanked him for his idea. He doesn't seem to remember that it was my idea in the first place. I don't know how many times I've told the boys to keep their table/closet/playroom/bedroom/whatever cleaned up every day so it's easier than having to clean up a huge mess later. Apparently, it has sunk in, but Isaiah has forgotten the source.

And I guess it would be a good idea. Excuse me while I go clean the stove while it still isn't a huge mess...

Prom Dress Rugby

If you think the NFL is tough, check out Prom Dress Rugby.

"not half as beautiful"

On this day in 1493, explorer Christopher Columbus, sailing near the Dominican Republic, saw three "mermaids" like the ones pictured. He described them as "not half as beautiful as they are painted."

Empirical Evidence that Cats Are Bullies

Watch in horror as a dedicated researcher demonstrates that cats are, by nature, saboteurs and bullies.
True love may last forever, but cats are evil.

The Toll

This is a very frank video from Dana, a young woman living in Sderot who described in July her experiences with rockets.

Dana explains how it feels to live with a fifteen-second warning of death-by-rocket for eight years.

I don't expect anyone who doesn't live here to understand what it's like, but I think it's important for people to know the reality of what we are living through. Because it's difficult, and even when it's quiet, I'm still afraid.

I'm afraid of listening to music while I'm in the shower 'cause what happens if won't hear the alarm. And I'm afraid of driving in the car in the kibbutz with the windows closed because what happens if won't hear the alarm. And I'm afraid of my brother and sister being at home because there's nowhere to run if the alarm will go off.

And I just wish we could live a normal life and be happy and enjoy each other's company and I could enjoy my job.

But it's very, very difficult.

Dana recorded this in July 2008. After Hamas kept shooting rockets and mortars at Israeli civilian targets, Dana asked Zionist Organization of America (ZOA) to post her testimony on YouTube.

If you can watch it and remain unmoved, I question your humanity.

--
Originally posted By Christopher to For Zion's Sake

This Cannot Go On

"There is no deeper pain you can ever express than betrayal from someone who you loved and devoted your whole life to," said Dr. Richard Batista his estranged wife, Dawnell. "And I saved her life."

Batista, a surgeon at Nassau University Medical Center, has been embroiled in a nearly four-year divorce proceeding, and is obviously feeling the frustration.

He also claims to be feeling the loss.

Of his kidney.

Which he happily donated to Mrs. Batista in June 2001.

He still recalls the day after the surgery took place.

There is no greater feeling on this planet. As G~d is my witness, I felt as if I could put my arm around Jesus Christ. It was an unbelievable; I was walking on a cloud.

To this day I would still do it again.

"My first priority was to save her life," Batista said at a news conference in Garden City, New York. "The second bonus was to turn the marriage around."

She might have been eternally grateful, having had two failed transplants, already, but she filed for divorce in July 2005. Furthermore, Dr. Batista claims she began having an extramarital affair 18 months to two years after receiving the kidney transplant.

"Our judges are not willing to value such assets, so to speak."
- Manhattan attorney Susan MossOf course, she cannot give him back the kidney itself, so he is merely demanding wife pay him $1.5 million to compensate him.

"The good doctor is out of luck and out a kidney," Manhattan attorney Susan Moss said. "This is similar to cases where a husband wants to be repaid for the cost of breast implants and the such. Our judges are not willing to value such assets, so to speak."

The Batistas were married on August 31, 1990, and have three children, now ages 14, 11 and 8. We certainly hope they work things out, as it is unlikely she will find another man of that kidney.

The editors would like to assure our audience that the author of that last joke was punished with the sort of severe blow to the lower back which is illegal in boxing.

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,741

A 6-year-old in Northumberland County, Virginia missed his bus. His mother was sleeping, so he decided to be responsible for himself.

He grabbed his mother's car keys and got behind the wheel of the family sedan. He made it about ten and a half miles before crashing a mile from his school.

As all of this was going on, the boy's father - David Dodson, 40 - was at work and his mother - Jaqulyn Waltman, 26 - was at home sleeping.

Now, I am not posting this as proof the Apocalypse is overdue because both parents have been arrested and charged with felony child neglect. Nor even because the boy and his younger brother have been placed in protective custody. Nor even as a warning of what will happen to either of my boys who tries to drive my car.

No, I am writing this because of where the boy learned to drive.

"He was asked by the investigator how he'd learned how to drive," said Sheriff Chuck Wilkins of the Northumberland County Sheriff's Office, "and he stated that he played a lot of video games like Grand Theft Auto and monster trucks."

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,739

Headteacher Linda Kingdon may be criminally insane, or she may be that strange and nearly inexcusable breed known as "an educator":

We decided we didn't want to use the word 'school'.

One reason was many parents of children here had very negative connotations of school.

Instead we want this to be a place for family learning.

There are no bells or locked doors. We wanted to de-institutionalise the place and bring the school closer to real life.

The £6 million "learning experience" in Sheffield, South Yorks, called Watercliffe Meadow, is therefore known as a "Place for Learning" because staff say "school" has a negative impact on some mums and dads.

Fortunately, not everyone in the vicinity is a complete nutter.

Local mom Kimberley Dunne, 26, said: "A school is a school. Seriously. The word 'school' doesn't have negative connotations, it's just where you go. A school’s always been a school, why change it?"

Marie Clair, of the Campaign for Plain English, said: "It's laughable. Do they think by changing the name they will change the environment? We all know what the building is. There is this whole political correctness agenda."

She added: "Using unfamiliar words instead of a simple one, like 'school', will get in the way of children's ability to learn."

Andrew Sangar, Sheffield Council cabinet member for children's services, said: "It's a school. We consider it a school and that's how we refer to it."

Meanwhile, Kingdon encourages all 481 pupils, from nursery to Year 6, to wear slippers instead of shoes, while their minds grow as soft as their soles.

I vote we check the staff for Krillitanes.

Ready or Not

In the New Year

It may be a new year, but the Apocalypse is still overdue.

Outside Truett's Grill - which is apparently a Chik-fil-a with delusions of grandeur in McDonough, Georgia, slightly South of Atlanta - thousands of people came to ring in New Year's Eve. Instead of watching the traditional, giant, Times Square crystal ball, they watched a giant chicken nugget drop into a vat of dipping sauce.

The 6-foot-tall, 800-pound nugget is actually plaster and vat is filled with syrup and food coloring meant to resemble honey mustard, and promptly inspired hack journalists to use the phrase "may have looked good enough to eat".

Other entertainment included a fire-eating magician, bungee jumping, a caricature artist, and musicians.

If this item makes you hungry, you may order online, but I suspect most of our readers are out of the delivery range.