The Apocalypse may be overdue, but at least it will not prevent e-mail.
For example, there is the Harwich, Mass.-based Web site YouveBeenLeftBehind.com (whose link I accidentally forgot to include) promises to save your advice for relatives and friends whom you fear might not make it to Heaven should the end of the world occur.
The computer system is designed to detect the Rapture: A group of several faithful families, geographically dispersed, log into the system daily, and their failure to do so trips the switch. In that event, the system presumes those families were taken up in the Rapture, and sends out your last-chance advice to a list of 60 or more addressees.Overall, funeral directors expect baby boomers will attempt to create a vibrant online life after death, especially Facebook, which I refuse to join, despite the fact that most of my extended family is using it to the exclusion of telling me what is going on in their lives.
Several hundred customers have signed up to pay $14.95 per year, since the site launched a year ago.
"I did set up a message to go to my wife," said Mark Heard, founder of the site. "She was the inspiration for the whole thing because she's not really on board with me in this belief."
Dad, perhaps your hope for the apocalypse has finally come true.
Recently, as we learned at EL, there has been an epidemic of Swine Flu in Israel, Canada, Mexico, and many other places. The United States seems to be one of the few places where it is not hitting hard, though, so don't worry. However, many fear that this will be the biggest pandemic since smallpox.
My friends, who have teased me so long about how terrible it is fro me that I can't eat bacon, now call me lucky.
That, to me, is the biggest indication that something is very wrong.
Swine Flu mostly affects those with weak immune systems, such as very young children and the elderly.
I am a twelve-year-old non-pig eater, so I'm not too worried about it.
Are you?
At school, my fellows* and I are performing a music program called "Encore--The music of our times." It has fifty songs, with seven acts, and we have dances for each and every song.
I really wanted to have the solo for Spinning Wheel, by Blood, Sweat, and Tears, but instead, I'm singing I Want to Hold Your Hand, by the Beatles. It worked out, though, because I'm paired with one of my best friends. Yes, there are only two Beatles. There were originally going to be four, but they changed that. Our music teacher says that it's because, in their later years, there were only two Beatles. However, I have a suspicion that it has something to do with the fact that only two of us tried out for the quartet.
I assume Mom will be taking pictures that we can put on the site, but we'll see how that goes.
*=fellow fifth and sixth graders, that is
The Kansas City Chiefs have traded Tony Gonzales, the best tight end in the business, to the Atlanta Falcons Tony Gonzalez for a draft pick next year. A second-round draft pick.
On Tuesday, the Chefs signed unrestricted free-agent TE Sean Ryan, and announced they have waived OT Andrew Carnahan, LB Curtis Gatewood and WR Kevin Robinson.
In related news, it would appear that new Chefs general manager Scott Pioli has apparently traded mascot KC Wolf for a couple of brats, and the entire cheer squad for "a really cool grill".
"This was a bad move by the Chiefs," says ESPN.com's Bill Williamson, "And it was a move that makes it difficult to believe they will be improved in 2009 because of it."
The Chefs insisted they also improved their chances for success in 2009 by making the trade, but all I can say is "Great Googaly Moogaly."
UPDATE: Joe Posnanski says it all:
And when the Chiefs announced the deal Thursday, I just kept thinking back to the way he would tuck away the ball every time he caught it. It's the simplest thing, the most basic fundamental, but I've never seen anyone else do it every time the way Gonzalez does. Through good and bad, through wins and too many losses, through contract squabbles and record-breaking days, he always tucked the ball away.
There really isn't much more you can ask of a man.
What would women look like without men? I believe science has given us some idea.
Experts have discovered a South American species that is exclusively female and reproduces asexually by cloning the queen. Reproduction without sex is fairly common in the ant world, but the Mycocepurus smithii is the first known to be a male-free species.
And aren't they lovely little ladies? Don't you just want to pucker up?
No? You don't want to kiss that face?
Then we had better keep buying bicycles for fish.
Featuring:
"She was so excited she teared up," the groom said.
And wouldn't you?
Bruce and Rene Thompson of Louisville, Tennessee, dated for roughly a year-and-a-half, trying such things as turkey hunting, deep sea fishing, deer hunting, her first hunt for shed antlers, and finally decided to get married.
They went to Jamaica for the wedding, which is good, then came back to East Tennessee in time for opening day of turkey season. Which is bad.
Turkey hunting as the honeymoon is a sign the Apocalypse is overdue.
There is a lake in the town of Webster, Massachusetts. It is located near the Connecticut border, is 3-miles long, 1-mile wide, and has a surface area of 1,442 acres.
Although commonly called Webster Lake, the name recognized by the U.S. Department of the Interior is Lake Chaubunagungamaug. The Algonquian-speaking peoples who are the first known residents of the area had several different names for the lake - such as "Chabanaguncamogue" and "Chaubanagogum" - as recorded on old maps and historical records. However, all of these were similar in part and had almost the same translation: "fishing place at the boundary".
But there is another name, meaning approximately "Englishmen at Manchaug at the fishing place at the boundary". This delightful moniker was applied in the 19th century when White people built factories in the area.
The most common spelling of this is Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg. Spelled with 45 letters, it is the longest place name in the United States and 6th longest in the world.
An even longer, 49-letter version of the name, "Chargoggagoggmanchauggauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg" has been used, but is basicaly just showing off. Also, the tongue-in-cheek translation "You Fish on Your Side, I Fish on My Side, Nobody Fish in the Middle" is totally spurious - coming as it does from a humorous article Larry Daly, editor of The Webster Times, wrote around 1916. Equally farcical is the tale of the half-drowned Indian.
So, give a try pronouncing Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg and then enjoy a clip of these locals trying it.
John Madden is retiring. Yea!
He will be replaced by Cris Collinsworth. No!
Actually, I should be nice. Madden needed to retire more than Bret Favre, but he certainly brought a lot to the game. I do not question or claim his knowledge of the game or his insight. Honestly, I learned a lot about football from Madden.
This fall will be the first time since Madden's freshman year of high school that he won't be involved in football as a player, coach or analyst. That was, apparently, in the Mesozoic.
Unfortunately, in recent years, it seems harder and harder to watch him. There has been a lot more wandering, meandering, non-sensical ramblings, and less actually paying attention to the game.
Robert Thompson, director of the Bleier Center for Television and Popular Culture at Syracuse University says this: "I would not call John the most articulate or analytical mind, but he brought to a football broadcast knowledge and fun that worked even if you didn't care about the game. He was a vaudevillian in the booth."
Not to mention the ridiculous food, or the turducken, which gives me the heeby-jeebies.
As for his replacement, perhaps the least flamboyant wide-receiver in the NFL and the most bland color commentator in the business...
I will sure miss Madden.
Here in Kansas City, we find ourselves situated between two of the finest journalism schools in the nation. Which does nothing to explain why the Kansas City Star is such a worthless rag.
However, there are places where the fine art of journalism is still practiced, in Fiji, for example.
Fiji's military ruler Frank Bainimarama has cracked down on the press, posting censors in the offices of newspapers and radio and television stations, ordering foreign journalists out of the country, and shutting down the Australian Broadcasting Corporation's radio transmitters. The Fiji Daily Post newspaper has apparently decided to respond in the most appropriate way I can imagine.
Headlines in Wednesday's edition included Man gets on bus, Breakfast as usual, and Paint Dry.
"It just went on wet, but after about four hours, it started to dry".To be honest, we can get reporting this good, locally, but with less justification. Also, the Star's writing is not usually this gripping:
"That was when I realised, paint dries," the young scholar observed.
Fiji Daily Post asked Max if he intended to do more painting.
"Oh yes," he replied, "I like watching paint dry."
Staff gasped with delight when Fiji Daily Post receptionist Lupe said her breakfast was a cup of latte coffee along with toasted currant bread...In truth, though, it is hard to top the first story:
Volunteer attachment Tim said he threw up for breakfast as he had had too much fried chicken the night before.
What happened next was a remarkable feat – the man actually got on the bus, we believe.How effective was the coverage?
Students from a local school who had been waiting for two hours in the rain for the bus also confirmed that they saw the man board.
"We are happy for him", one student remarked in terms reminiscent of Neil Armstrong (the first man to step onto the moon): "it may be one small step for him, but it is one giant step for the people of Fiji".
Did you ever wonder how to cleanly break Matzah in half? Apparently, the Japanese are marketing a wonder tool for it.
Maybe this will go well with the Passover Sushi.
Happy 過越
A Kissimmee woman called 911 to say she was locked inside her car. Yes, inside. "My car will not start. I'm locked inside my car," the unidentified woman said. "Nothing electrical works. And it's getting very hot in here, and I'm not feeling well. I need some help"
Sincerely,
Christopher Coleman
"If only we rabbis, ministers and priests were also rewarded for failure! Given the way atheism is increasing in America, we'd all get huge bonuses."
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach
