Why Dave Barry Was My Candidate of Choice

From Dave Barry's Year in Review:

On the Democratic side, the surprise winner is Barack Obama, who is running for president on a long and impressive record of running for president. A mesmerizing speaker, Obama electrifies voters with his exciting new ideas for change, although people have trouble remembering exactly what these ideas were because they were so darned mesmerized. Some people become so excited that they actually pass out. These are members of the press corps.

Carnage

Spotlight on Isaiah

On December 9th, Isaiah's class had their "Music Demonstration" and Open House. "Music Demonstration" means they show us what they've been learning in music class: singing and dancing and playing instruments. One thing Isaiah's class did was a square dance. It was so funny, a short while into it, we realized we had to video it for you all. Click here to see part of the video. It isn't as clear as I'd hoped, but Isaiah is in the back circle, usually with his back to the camera. You'll recognize him as the one jumping up and down.

We also took a few more pictures which you can see here. The last song they did, the kids were told to go pick a member of their family from the audience to dance with them. They always seem to pick me...

Kite Flying in December?

Yes, on December 13th, it was a very, very windy day, but not very cold. We decided to get out our old kite and try flying it. The boys can't even remember the last time we flew the kite, so it has been a long, long time. I was afraid the kite string would be frayed and would snap in the wind, but that wasn't what we should have been worried about.

Instead, shortly after we got the kite flying, the stick bracing the back open snapped in half. We tried substituting sticks we found at the park, but they were too flexible and just popped out. So we walked home and found a thicker dowel rod we had from something else. Christopher cut it down to size, and we took the kite back to the park to try to fly it again.

It worked great, until the kite took a nose-dive and landed right on its tip. This snapped the stick that is the spine of the kite. However, we were able to still fly the kite for short periods of time with its tip folded down. We got some good pictures too. Here you can see our kite with the tip folded down. Now the boys want us to go buy a new kite, but it's the wrong season to find them in the stores. Maybe next spring.

An Outpouring of Faith

There are some games where cheering for the other side feels better than winning.

Rick Reilly writes for ESPN, where he describes what is most likely the oddest game in high school football history, played last month down in Grapevine, Texas.

Grapevine Faith, with a record of 7-2 going into the game, played Gainesville State School, 0-8 with 2 touchdowns for the year.

But Gainesville is a maximum-security correctional facility 75 miles north of Dallas. Its kids have convictions for drugs, assault and robbery. Many of their families have disowned them, and football is one of the few outlets for these kids to be kids. Even at that, it is rough.

"We can tell people are a little afraid of us when we come to the games," says Gerald, a lineman who will wind up doing more than three years. "You can see it in their eyes. They're lookin' at us like we're criminals."

12 uniformed officers escort the 14 Gainesville players off the field. After the game, handcuffs ready in their back pockets, they line the players up in groups of five and march them to the team bus.

But Faith's head coach, Kris Hogan, wanted to do something kind for the Gainesville team. Faith has 70 kids, 11 coaches, the latest equipment and involved parents.

So Hogan had this idea. What if half of our fans—for one night only—cheered for the other team? He sent out an email asking the Faithful to do just that. "Here's the message I want you to send:" Hogan wrote. "You are just as valuable as any other person on planet Earth."

Some people were naturally confused. One Faith player walked into Hogan's office and asked, "Coach, why are we doing this?"

And Hogan said, "Imagine if you didn't have a home life. Imagine if everybody had pretty much given up on you. Now imagine what it would mean for hundreds of people to suddenly believe in you."

Next thing you know, the Gainesville Tornadoes were turning around on their bench to see something they never had before. Hundreds of fans. And actual cheerleaders!

After the game, both teams gathered in the middle of the field to pray. Gainesville's QB and middle linebacker Isaiah surprised everybody by asking to lead. "We had no idea what the kid was going to say," remembers Coach Hogan. But Isaiah said this: "L~rd, I don't know how this happened, so I don't know how to say thank You, but I never would've known there was so many people in the world that cared about us."

As the Tornadoes walked back to their bus under guard, they each were handed a bag for the ride home—a burger, some fries, a soda, some candy, a Bible and an encouraging letter from a Faith player.

Most importantly, they were given the gift of hope.

Gainesville coach Mark Williams saw Hogan, grabbed him hard by the shoulders and said, "You'll never know what your people did for these kids tonight. You'll never, ever know."

Seasoned Greetings

Right, I have nothing against the holiday spirit, but enough is enough.

City crews in the Des Moines suburb of Ankeny are using garlic salt to melt snow and ice on streets from Tuesday's storm.

Bug of the Indefinite Interval

These may look like Ruhe's first boyfriend giant woodlice, but are actually Isopods that live deep under the waves.

They survive in the pitch black and cold they survive up to 6000 feet below the water, growing up to a foot long by feasting on dead and decaying fish and other marine animals.

We Can Build on This

Over at ESPN, Bill Simmons ranked the Kansas City Chiefs 27 on his Power Poll with this:

Every Sunday, when something horrible happens with the Chiefs, I text my friend Mike Lombardi, "We can build on this!!!!!!!!" and he texts back, "Let's build something together!" It's our little running joke. Three reasons I'm telling you this: First, I think I've sent that text on eight Sundays this season (and none of them were forces; there was a legitimate reason each time). Second, I had never sent two "We can build on this!!!!!" texts in the same game until Week 15's ubercollapse against San Diego. And third, usually the only variation of the joke is the number of exclamation points … but after watching Herm Edwards' team blow two timeouts with an 11-point lead, give up a score, blow the onside kick, give up the go-ahead TD, drive back to field-goal range before running out of timeouts and then hook the potential game-winning field goal in the blink of an eye, I actually changed my second text to, "For G~d's sake, we can build on this!!!!!!"

I thought it demanded a little improvisation. I hope Edwards doesn't mind. But then I realized something: There was a lesson there. See, we can build on this. Whether it's football, the "we can build on this" joke or anything else, we can always build on this. I'm starting to think Edwards is a genius.

The average sports fan from outside this area does not know Joe Posnanski, columnist for The Kansas City Star, but among his sportswriting peers, he’s considered among the very best, and he represents one of two* reasons to read the former home of Hemingway.

His piece on the most humiliating loss in Chiefs' history is delicious: Ready, Aim -- Fire Everybody.

OK, I'm convinced now. Fire everybody. Fire Carl. Fire Herm. Fire Gunther. Fire the players. After that game, there's really nothing to say but: Fire them all. And they should not stop there. The Chiefs should hire Greg Robinson back just so they can fire him again. They should call John Mackovic just to remind him that he got fired. They should bring in Donald Trump to walk through Arrowhead's coaches offices and the locker room, just so everyone will fully understand what's going on.

Everyone who would care knows that I've been holding out on the firing thing — holding out because I like Chiefs coach Herm Edwards, holding out because Gunther Cunningham has always been one of my favorite people, holding out because, even though I've written that Carl Peterson should be replaced, I do appreciate what he did for the Chiefs his first decade. And anyway, we are talking about real people with real families and real feelings; it's a harsh thing to write in the newspaper that someone should lose their job, especially in times like these.

But ... really, what else is there to say after the Chiefs' utterly remarkable 22-21 loss to San Diego on Sunday at Arrowhead. I tried to come up with some positive thoughts about the game, even wrote them down, but as I look at the list now, it doesn't seem especially impressive.

...And the truth is that, after that sort of mind-shattering collapse, it's hard to come up with a single good reason why anybody involved with the Chiefs should be back next season. Sure, everyone knew that this year would be trying, that there would be more losses than wins, that young players would make lots of mistakes. But there was no way to see this mess coming.

Then there is his much calmer, more clear-headed article on the actual dismissal of CEO, president, and General Manager Carl Peterson by owner Clark Hunt:

Monday, Clark Hunt announced that Carl Peterson had resigned as president, general manager and CEO of the Kansas City Chiefs. Yes, that's what the honking horns and fireworks were all about. Yes, that's why you saw complete strangers kissing on every street corner.

It's a shame that it ends this way for Peterson, who will finish off his era in two weeks, closing out 20 years. As you might imagine, I was designated as the person to say something nice about Carl, and I will point to the first nine years. They were pretty great. The Chiefs went to the playoffs seven times, and they reached the AFC championship game once, and fans poured into Arrowhead Stadium. Carl changed the landscape of this city. He hired Marty Schottenheimer as coach, he opened up the parking lot for the best tailgate scene in professional sports, he got Joe Montana and Marcus Allen, and he drafted Derrick Thomas and Will Shields and Tony Gonzalez. And that's a lot of good.

Of course, the last 11 years have not been so good — two playoff appearances, six losing seasons, four head coaches, perpetually awful defenses, zero playoff victories, shaky drafts — and that's why in many ways Monday was not really about Carl Peterson. His time was running out. No, Monday was about Clark Hunt.

Either way, you need to get some Joe.

*The second reason is that you found it on a bench where you have a long wait and a creepy person with uneven eyes staring at you while playing an imaginary banjo. At least, those are the only two I can think of.

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,720

And now, a camera that poops your prints.

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,719

"The Nosefrida," the Cool Tools website assures us, "Is a remarkably effective tool for sucking snot out of a kid's nose."

It certainly is remarkable, since it consists of a flexible plastic tube with a mouthpiece on one end and a snot-collection chamber on the other. You put the mouthpiece in your mouth, press the open end of the snot-collection chamber against your kid's nostril, and, according to the website, suck.

Note the use of the second person in the preceding, as there is no chance that I am going to suck any child's snot through a tube.

If you want more exciting info, check out the product's FAQ. You will especially enjoy the photos of happy mothers and children.

You may also want to note that Nosefrida is now available in select retail locations (A complete list can be found here). However, I urge you to consider that this does not make the perfect holiday gift.

Woo-hoo!

Celebrate, celebrate, dance to the music.

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,718

No further commentary needed, I believe.

Too Big to Fail

Bug of the Day

The Assassin Spider: it has a neck!

Isaiah's birthday

I've finally gotten the pictures uploaded from Isaiah's birthday. I apologize that the pictures are not great. Isaac's camera is not a great indoor camera. We have ordered a new camera to replace our old one, but it hasn't arrived yet.

You can't see it very well in the picture, but Isaiah's new shirt is called "Let the Cookie Win." We thought it went well with Isaac's shirt, "Come to the Dark Side."

Murder on Black Friday

In memory of Jdimytai Damour, can we please give some sense this holiday season?

frustratingly simple when you figure it out

Manifold - Create gravity wells and get to the exit

Dave Barry Gift Guide

Are you as sick of the holiday season as we are? The "shop early or we'll shoot this economy" campaigns are getting a little bit heavy.

Fortunately, Dave Barry has just the gifts to put you off buying presents, forever.

Meanwhile, I am pretty thoroughly fed up with the holiday excess, and we have not hit Thanksgiving, yet.

Attempting to get rid of Hosting Matters

We are attempting to free ourselves of our domain provider, which will not respond to support contacts, but is very quick to bill us for unwanted services.  Coverage may be spotty over the next few weeks.

Transition Watch

An interesting widget. Shall we add it to the site?

Boffer Party

We had a big birthday party for the boys on Sunday. We had beautiful weather for the middle of November, which was great since we were outside. On Saturday and Monday, the highs were in the 30's or low 40's, but Sunday the high was in the 50's.

You may be wondering what a "boffer party" is. It's when you get a bunch of boys together, give them all foam swords, and let them boff each other all afternoon. There were 11 boys at the party (including ours), from the ages of 6-12. They all had lots of fun. Christopher organized lots of different games for them: 1-on-1 duels, capture the flag, protect the king, and melee. The kings had to wear funny wigs, which you can see in the pictures. A great time was had by all, and no one got hurt.

This Was Not a Sport When I Was a Kid

Eight and a half minutes of young hooligans to the accompaniment of French rap.

Bah!

Link from ESPN the Magazine.

Are You Ready?

I know a lot of people are depressed by the Democratic electoral victory in the recent Dumb-Off.

Personally, I am of the strong belief that Obama will be neither as bad as his haters detractors fear, nor as good as his worshippers supporters hope, just like any other politician in this country. He is not the Messiah, but he is not the anti-Christ, either. There is room in the middle, believe it or not.

So, you can vote in our poll if venting will help you heal, or you can follow Bush's advice and go shopping more.

You could even, as many seem to be, start getting ready for the next election. Perhaps you have a favorite candidate already.

I'm still hoping Mike Rowe will run.

Or perhaps you have become addicted to the election coverage. If so, you should know that no less than the president-elect has suggested that paying too much attention to the media is unhealthy.

After three months of campaigning, he stopped reading blogs. After six months, he stopped watching cable news shows. After nine months, he stopped reading the clips, relying instead on his staff to flag important stories.

Obama said during a brief conversation that it was "just weird" to be constantly reading and watching reports on his candidacy, creating a "hall of mirrors" effect that he regarded as unhealthy. He said that cable news yakkers, like those on ESPN, make provocative comments because they have so much time to fill, even though politics, in his view, is far more important than sports.

So there's that to ponder.

Anyway, you can give thanks for your candidate, give thanks for your country, give thanks that it's over, or just give thanks. At least we can all agree that a couple years without robo-calls will do us good.

Semper Fi

On November 10, 1775, the Continental Congress passed a resolution stating that "two battalions of Marines be raised" for service as landing forces with the American fleet. This established the Continental Marines and marked the birth of the United States Marine Corps.

Their first amphibious raid on foreign soil in the Bahamas was in March 1776, under the command of the Corps' first commandant, Capt. Samuel Nicholas.

With the end of the Revolutionary War in 1783, the last of the Navy's ships were sold, and the Continental Navy and Marines were disbanded.  It did not last long.

The formal re-establishment of the Marine Corps was on July 11, 1798.  Following which, the Marines fought in conflicts with France, landed in Santo Domingo and conducted operations against the Barbary pirates along the "Shores of Tripoli," Lebanon.

Marines continue to serve prominently and valiantly in both the Iraq war and the war in Afghanistan.

By order of Major Gen. Lajeune, General Commandant of the USMC, the following is read every year since 1921 to commemorate the Corps' birthday.

MARINE CORPS ORDER No. 47 (Series 1921)
HEADQUARTERS
U.S. MARINE CORPS Washington, November 1, 1921

The following will be read to the command on the 10th of November, 1921, and hereafter on the 10th of November of every year. Should the order not be received by the 10th of November, 1921, it will be read upon receipt.

On November 10, 1775, a Corps of Marines was created by a resolution of Continental Congress. Since that date many thousand men have borne the name "Marine". In memory of them it is fitting that we who are Marines should commemorate the birthday of our corps by calling to mind the glories of its long and illustrious history.

The record of our corps is one which will bear comparison with that of the most famous military organizations in the world's history. During 90 of the 146 years of its existence the Marine Corps has been in action against the Nation's foes. From the Battle of Trenton to the Argonne, Marines have won foremost honors in war, and in the long eras of tranquility at home, generation after generation of Marines have grown gray in war in both hemispheres and in every corner of the seven seas, that our country and its citizens might enjoy peace and security.

In every battle and skirmish since the birth of our corps, Marines have acquitted themselves with the greatest distinction, winning new honors on each occasion until the term "Marine" has come to signify all that is highest in military efficiency and soldierly virtue.

This high name of distinction and soldierly repute we who are Marines today have received from those who preceded us in the corps. With it we have also received from them the eternal spirit which has animated our corps from generation to generation and has been the distinguishing mark of the Marines in every age. So long as that spirit continues to flourish Marines will be found equal to every emergency in the future as they have been in the past, and the men of our Nation will regard us as worthy successors to the long line of illustrious men who have served as "Soldiers of the Sea" since the founding of the Corps.

JOHN A. LEJEUNE,
Major General
Commandant

Of the Marines, President Ronald Reagan said, "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem."  We should honor them and the Corps for 233 years of continued service.

For my friends and family in other branches of the armed service, I note these dates.  The Continental Army, which was formed on June 14, 1775, before the establishment of the United States, became the United States Army on June 14, 1784, after the war.  The Navy was established without authority by George Washington on 13 October, 1775, disbanded in 1783, and did not get its first warships until 1797.  The Revenue-Marine was established by Congress on August 4, 1790, at the urging of Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton, later renamed United States Revenue Cutter Service, and finally merged with the United States Life-Saving Service in 1915 to form the United States Coast Guard. The Army Air Forces separated from the Army to become the United States Air Force on September 18, 1947, after decades of attempting to separate.

I could add the United States Public Health Service Commissioned Corps (1889) and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Commissioned Corps (1917) as the other federal uniformed services that commission officers as defined by Title 10, but that would get ridiculous.

Isaac's birthday pics...

...are now uploaded. You can see them here. A few things he got that we didn't get pictures of are the Beach Boys CD Sounds of Summer, and another Broncos shirt. Also, I noticed we didn't get an actual picture of the present from Grandma Becky and Grandpa Lee, which was a Lego set: Lord Vladek!

I hate this freaking election

Hello, everyone.
This is Isaac: twelve years old and feeling fine!

Dad says I should post my views about the election here, even though he already sort of did.

Well, I think it can be best summed up in what I voted for in that poll Dad put up in the upper left hand corner of the site. I chose the last choice, specifically:

I hate this freaking election.

We did a paper in our Social Studies class that was supposed to help us choose a candidate. We wrote down our views on six topics: Education, War in Iraq, Health Care, National Security and Terrorism, the Environment, and Jobs and the Economy. Then, she told us the candidate's views, we wrote them down, and circled who we agreed with for each view. Me? I agreed on three of the issues with Obama, and on three of the issues with McCain!

This, obviously, did not help me decide who I was going to vote for.

Nor, by the way, did the girl in my grade who, on Halloween, dressed up as Palin and tried to get me to vote for her.

But I'm getting off track.

I talked to Dad, and he told me that when you're torn on the views, you look at other things. Things like:

1. Integrity (That would be neither candidate)
2. How well they ran their campaign (Obama)
3. Experience (McCain)

Great Googaly Moogaly: I still don't know who to vote for.

As Dad said, the kids in my class were getting angry that I wasn't taking sides.

The conversations went like this:

My Republican friends: So, who are you voting for?
Me: I don't know.
Aforementioned Republican friends: Ha ha ha. Seriously, Isaac. You're voting for McCain, right? I mean, who would vote for Obama?

(or:)

My Democrat friends: So, who are you voting for?
Me: I don't know.
Aforementioned Democrat friends: Ha ha ha. Seriously, Isaac. You're voting for Obama, right? I mean, who would vote for McCain?

The number one argument for Obama was "Obama is your mama!" This will tell you the sort of people in my class who tend to be Democrats.

The number one argument for McCain was "Come on. Who would seriously vote for Obama?" when I asked them why they said this, they would stutter out, "um,er,ah,well, seriously? Are you going to vote for Obama?" When I asked them to tell me what was so bad about Obama, 90% of them suddenly had pressing engagements elsewhere.

So my classmates where unhelpful. Pretty soon, all my Republican friends were convinced I was for Obama because I didn't unquestionably accept their views, and all my Democrat friends thought I was voting for McCain for the same reason.

For a short time, I thought about forgetting both candidates and voting for Ralph Nader, but Dad said he would disown me if I did, so I decided not to.

At last, Election Day. Our school actually got to "vote" on November 3rd, but of course it didn't count for anything. So you guys got an extra day to think over your choices.

Lucky ducks.

Anyway, so: the voting "booth": a laptop on a desk in the lobby. I had an important class I had to go to in 5 minutes, but I still couldn't quite make up my mind.
At last, I decided.

I'm not going to tell you who I ended up voting for. Except that it wasn't Ralph Nader.

I eventually decided because the candidate I voted for, while I only agreed with him on half of the views, this half was, in my opinion, the most important half.

Well, Obama's president and I'm just glad the election's over. I think in 2012, I'm going to crawl into a dark hole for the year.

And that's my views on the election.

Isaac (On His Birthday)

So, today is Isaac's twelfth birthday and it seems the whole world is paying attention.

Well, paying attention to something.

Meanwhile, there was a school election, yesterday.  Being the terrible father I am, I flat refused to influence his vote, other than helping him learn about the issues and candidates.  It may surprise you to find that his views are actually more sound than many adults I know, but not if you have watched cable news.

Isaac found himself torn.  On half the issues, he supported one major party candidate, on half the other.  Meanwhile, his sixth-grade friends are rabid partisans.  "It seems like most of them are just voting for whoever their parents are voting for, and they don't even know why!" he complained.  He also noted that the most reasoned argument from any of his classmates was "O-ba-ma!  O-ba-ma!" chanted over and over.  His friends began to look upon him with suspicion for not taking sides.

However, Isaac summed up the campaigns very well.  "If you don't vote for Obama, you're a racist.  If you don't vote for McCain, you hate America.  None of it makes any sense, and they all seem to be lying!"

Nevertheless, he voted.  I will not tell you who he voted for, but the candidate has an A in his last name, so we will call him candidate A.  (The other candidate has an S in his middle name, so, likewise.)

Riding the bus, one of his classmates saw his "I voted" sticker and asked who he had finally chosen.  He then began to berate Isaac for choosing A.  When Isaac tried to interject with the reason he had voted for one and the reasons for voting against the other, his friend refused to listen.

Later, Isaac was carpooling with a family of ardent supporters of A.  When Isaac mentioned what had happened on the bus, the mother began to loudly and vociferously berate his S-supporting friend.

So, Isaac has, on his twelfth birthday, experienced all the joys of the American voter:  he got to choose between two candidates he did not like, he got yelled at by a friend who disagrees with his choice, he got to feel embarrassment at the ranting of someone who liked his choice, and, a full day after voting, he still does not know who won.

Isn't democracy wonderful?

Still, if he can vote, you should be able to.

By the by, if you wish to drop him a line, his address is Isaac at TenSengi.com.  I would recommend not discussing politics.

--
Sincerely,
Christopher Coleman (proud father)

PS.  Two weeks ago, my kids told me to turn down my music.  I am a brilliant father.

An Official Sign of the Overdue Apocalypse

Swansea Council became lost in translation when it was looking to halt heavy goods vehicles using a road near a store in the Morriston area. Which is (we are waiting for confirmation) believed to be in Wales.All official road signs in Wales are bilingual, so the local authority e-mailed its in-house translation service for the Welsh version of: "No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only".

Unfortunately, the e-mail response to Swansea council was an out of office response, in Welsh. Which the Council then authorized to be used for the signs.

The English is clear enough to truck drivers - but the Welsh reads "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated."

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,674

Miami Lt. John Buhrmaster, a longtime homicide investigator sums it up: "It's a great record when people are not killing each other."

FL.I.P.P.Y.

Just wanted to let everyone know I've added the link to Isaac's book on the side bar of the blog. Feel free to tell friends and family about it. :)

We went to see City of Ember on Halloween night. We like getting out of the house and away from the trick or treaters. It was a good movie. It is set in a post-apocalyptic future. To save a portion of humanity from nuclear fall-out, a city is built deep underground. The people in the city have no idea there is any other world than their city, and now it is starting to fall apart. Visually, it was very stunning. The story was not completely well done. There were too many little things that were unexplained if you hadn't read the book. Also the pacing was kind of off. All in all, though, it was a very enjoyable way to spend our evening. I would recommend this movie. I hope the boys will post comments to tell you what they thought of the movie.

I also really like the book this movie is based on. I thought the concept was fascinating, a story about people who don't know what the sky is or weather or lots of things we take for granted. The sequel People of Sparks is also good.

Too Much Information

Whether they're watching TV, playing tennis, or voting, nudists like to be nude.

New pix!

I've uploaded some new pictures from this month. There's a few more pictures from the Renaissance Festival, when we went on Oct. 5th.

There's several pictures of our sukkah from before and during the holiday of Sukkot. A sukkah is a booth, sukkot is the plural form. The holiday is also known as the Feast of Tabernacles. Unfortunately our camera got broken while we were building the sukkah, so all the pictures after the construction pictures are taken with Isaac's camera. We gave some gifts to each other, and Kristin and Rachel came to visit.

I'm also posting the pictures of the boys' Halloween parade this year. There were quite a few clone troopers this year. Isaac went as Robin Hood again, and Isaiah was a ninja again. They had lots of fun.

Definately NOT a Bad Hair Day

I have often wondered what it would be like if I had a mustache or a beard. Well, my birthday is coming up, so to treat myself, I used high-tech equipment (it's really not MS Paint!...Probably...) to show what I would look like with a mustache or beard.

First, what if I had one of those mustaches that just screams "I'm the bad guy of this movie!"

"Curses! Foiled again!"

Or just a big, poofy beard?
"El Poofador"

Sideburns of ridiculousness? I've got that covered, too.
"General Burnside"

As terrible as it seems, someday I will get old. And we have to plan for the future.
"Still Handsome!"

If my beard ever gets too long, I can use it as a fashionable scarf.

"Itchy? I don't know what you're talking about..."

Vote for your favorite...post a comment!

Best books I've read lately

When I was in the school library a couple of weeks ago, I checked in a large hard-back book and noticed it had the Caldecott Medal winner label on it. For those who don't know, Caldecott Awards are given to the artist of the most distinguished American picture book for children published each year. You can understand why I was surprised that this very thick novel won for illustrations! It is called The Invention of Hugo Cabret. This book has some regular chapters, but also some chapters with little to no words, only pictures. It was a very good book, and a fascinating way of telling the story. I recommend it to everyone. Kids who don't like to read much like to get it and pretend they've read a very long book. :)

Another good book I read lately is a sci-fi book called Encounter With Tiber, by Buzz Aldrin and John Barnes. You can probably guess what caught my eye on this book. I wanted to know what kind of book Buzz Aldrin would write. I enjoyed it quite a bit. It is very long and kind of slow (Christopher thought it was too slow), but I really liked it. It's a good story.

LEGOS!!!!!!

I had a ULTIMATE LEGO BUILDING CHALLENGE. I ended up building a HUGE land vehicle with 4 cars and it doesn't stay together easily.






Isaiah


~~~~~~~~~~
FIN~~~

The Political Compass Test

The Political Compass Test is designed to show the limits of the traditional political concept of left and right.

For example, Ghandi and Stalin were both leftists, while Vladimir Putin and Charles Swindoll are both conservatives. Do these labels even work anymore?

The test - developed by a political journalist with a university counselling background, assisted by a professor of social history - consists of a series of questions whose answers can orient you on a two-dimensional axis: Left-Right and Authoritarian-Libertarian.

The test takes less than five minutes to complete, and you might learn something about yourself.

I'll post my results in the comments, but here is a chart of the candidates in the US Presidential Election.

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,672

Key Quote: During the process, you breathe through your mouth.By the by, I am not buying the smile.

Hair!

Under no circumstances will we be commenting on or linking to this story.

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,669

Ferrari has threatened to quit Formula One if FIA President Max Mosley's proposal for a standard engine and transmission goes through.

Now, let me be clear:

There Is No Formula 1 Without Ferrari.

Not just one of the most iconic teams in the sport, Ferrari is the oldest racing team in Formula One.

Despite negative reactions from all manufacturer teams, and the subsequent belief that Mosley's suggestion was not a true priority (do not Google to find Mosley's priorities), the FIA nonetheless confirmed on Monday that the drastic cost-cutting measure was moving ahead with interested suppliers invited to present their proposals before November 7th.

Ferrari agrees with the FIA and all the teams that cost-cutting measures must be taken, but state that a standard engine and transmission "would retract from from the entire (reason) of the sport with which Ferrari has been involved in 1950, a (reason for being) based principally on competition and technological development."

Frankly, I don't care about the cost-cuting. I cannot even afford a subscription to the Ferrari magazine; there is no chance I am going to end up near an F1 team. It just doesn't matter.

As Jeremy Korzeniewski wrote: "A Formula 1 world without Ferrari is practically unfathomable, as is seeing a Prancing Horse powered by a McLaren/Mercedes powerplant."

Mosley is an idiot (and I mean it about Googling Mosley's proclivities) and the FIA needs to be slapped.

PS. F1 is one of the sports I pretend not to care about in an agreement with my wife. When she does not watch football with me, I sneak off and watch F1. The half-time festivities may not be as fun, and there is too little overtaking, and the rules are bizarre, and the quest for parity creates dull races, and some of the circuits are just awful, and... Why am I watching this, again?

Still Undecided?

How could you possibly be reluctant to choose, when we know so much about the candidates?

Fish Hernia Operation

Most fish showing signs of ill-health are quickly eaten, in the wild. In captivity, they usually end up being flushed away to freedom.

But Carla, a 10-inch angelfish from the London Aquarium, got a hernia operation.

I just cannot think of any comment worth making, frankly, except that the Apocalypse is surely overdue.

Not Quite Top Gear

What would it be like if Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson ruled the world? Or at least Great Britain?


Now me, I would vote for the Stig.

Man drives drunk to protest drunk driving charge

And there is not much more to say about that.

In Case You Are Undecided

For All the Chiefs Fans

Stupid Fans.

Checkup time

I took the boys to the doctor for checkups last Thursday. They are both healthy. Isaiah weighs 73lb and is 4'6" tall. Isaac weighs 98lb. and is 5'1" tall.

The most interesting thing I learned at this appointment, though, was about warts. Isaiah has a wart on his palm, and the doctor said it's nothing to worry about unless it bothers him. He did tell me the best way to get rid of them, and you'll never guess what it is: duct tape! According to our doctor (and the study he cited), duct tape is better for removing warts than any treatment the doctor does. You simply cut a piece of tape to cover the wart and stick it on. Leave it there for a week. When you remove it, scrub the wart really well to remove the dead skin. Replace the duct tape and do it again.

We did agree, however, that it wasn't likely that an 8 year old boy would be likely to be able to keep a piece of duct tape on his hand for a week. So I'm not planning to try it unless Isaiah really wants to.

Has anyone else heard of this unique use for duct tape?

None of the Above

The best article I have read, recently describes an election Republicans deserve to lose but Democrats don't deserve to win. This echoes my views very well.

For No Good Reason I Can Imagine

Thank... Somebody?

A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator's lawsuit against G~d, saying the Almighty wasn't properly served due to his unlisted home address.

State Sen. Ernie Chambers, who graduated from law school but never took the bar exam, filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against G~d. He has 30 days to appeal.

There Is No I in G-R-A-H-A-M

Earnest Graham could be complaining about not getting the ball enough. Instead, he asked to get it less and earned a win for the team.

Universal Suffrage

What an amazing system.

Simchat Torah Songs

Need something to do in the Sukkah? Why not check out JewishPathways.com's user-friendly guide to 32 of the most popular Simchat Torah melodies. There's text of Hebrew, English and transliteration, plus audio versions of each song.

Great Googaly Moogaly

The Chiefs have a bye week, which is just about the only thing which could keep them from humiliating themselves some more.

WildWood II

Ok, ok. I know I said I would write this sequel "tomorrow"...about a month ago. But, hey, tomorrow never comes!
So I'm actually early!
Oh, yeah!
So, Day 2 of WildWood. Today, group E was scheduled to do the "Challenge Course." In these woods near WildWood, they've set up a bunch of "challenges" that are supposed to strengthen teamwork, critical thinking, etc. etc. These challenges can be anything from climbing a wall of eight sheer feet to crawling through a maze. A quick explanation, and we were off!
The first challenge was the Sorcerer's Stone. It worked like this: There were a lot of stepping stones. on the farthest one, there was the "Sorcerer's Stone", a small rubber ball. We had to get through the stepping stones to the ball without touching the ground. Oh, and we could only step on certain stones randomly selected by our guide, Grayson. Oh, and we couldn't talk or the pattern would change. So, we came up with the strategy of putting leaves on the stones that were safe.
Next was The Centipede Trap. There was a giant "spiderweb" on the ground. We had to get all of our group through the web. If we touched the spiderweb five times, we had to start over. We also were pretending to be a centipede, so we had to stay in contact. Lastly, the person in the very front and the person in the very back were blindfolded.
Then, we did the challenge of Jack and the Kraken. This one took us a long time to figure out. Supposedly, Grayson was Captain Jack Sparrow, and we were his crew. Supposedly, the Kraken had destroyed our ship, and we had to all get on this "plank"-- basically a teeter-totter. So, after an hour of shouting at each other, trying, and failing, we got everybody balance on the boat. At least this one was pretty straightforward.
Then was lunch-PB&J.
Then, we did our last two challenges. Paleantology was the first. It was like the sorceror's stone, but with stumps in the ground and a toy dinosaur at the end. We could touch every log, though--no specific paths. However, the logs were so far apart that we had to use boards to cross.
The last challenge was juggling. It's that simple. We just juggled.
Then, we went back to the cabins and had supper. After that, all the groups went on the hayless hay ride! It was just that-a hay ride, but they didn't have any hay. Finally, we ended the night with some campfire songs...most of which I would have said were terrible if I was singing them anywhere else.
On the third day of WildWood, my true love gave to me- oh wait, sorry. Not quite right, there. Let's try that again.
Ahem.
After another sleepless night (without the demented dog this time,) I woke up to the third day of WildWood, also possible the best. Group E went off on a nature walk. They had some special name for it, but I forget what it was. Then, we had ALL DAY REC TIME!
Until lunch.
After lunch, we said good-bye to Grayson and the rest of the people there, then headed off into the sunset.
Or whatever.

My Hero

For reasons not adequately explained, firefighters in Taiwan were looking after a venomous viper which had been found in a local resident's home. Deciding to give it a treat, they fed the viper this mouse.
They thought it would be a light snack, but the courageous rodent refused to cower from the 12in snake's gaping jaws and long fangs. Instead, it went on the attack.

The tiny rodent killed the snake after a fierce 30-minute battle, emerging with "barely a scratch on him".

And that is how you spell E-M-N-I-T-Y.

The O.J. Defense

A Des Moines burglar has challenged his victim to fight; winner takes all.

Seymour Gray, 66, of the 1100 block of 13th Street in Des Moines, told officers a man broke into his house last week and took two laptop computers, a desktop computer, a fax machine, VCR and some tools.

Gray said he knows who did it. He added that the man called one of his relatives and admitted taking the items from the house.

Police said in a report that the thief will give the property back only if the Gray challenges him to a fight. The alleged thief told police whoever wins would get the stuff.

The burglar has a 10-year age advantage. But that still puts him in his mid 50s, proving that you are never too old to be a bully.

May you be sealed for a good year in the Book of Life

This blog will be taking Yom Kippur off.

Why aren't you?

The American Financial Crisis Explained by Brits

Short People Got No Reason to Live

Unless they are Oliver Smoot.

Why Do You Think They Call It Dope?

So, like, there's this dude.

Those Wacky Senators

From James Taranto:

By a vote of 74-25, the U.S. Senate last night approved a bill aimed at "providing stability to and preventing disruption in the economy and financial system and protecting taxpayers"--popularly called the bailout.

Or, as it is formally known, the Paul Wellstone Mental Health and Addiction Equity Act of 2007.

When the House rejected the same measure Monday, it was known as the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008. The Providence Journal explains what happened:

In part, it has to do with the U.S. Constitution. Article 7, Section 1 says tax bills must originate in the House of Representatives.

In order to improve chances that the bailout bill, which the House defeated on Monday, would be approved this time around, the Senate tacked on several popular provisions, such as extending the life of business tax cuts that were set to expire and changing the alternative minimum tax, a much-loathed part of the tax code intended to ensure that the well-to-do pay their fair share but that in recent years has increasingly affected the middle class.

And an element of the tax package was legislation advanced by [Rhode Island's Rep. Patrick] Kennedy that requires health-insurance companies to offer coverage of mental illness on a par with that of physical illness.

Once the Senate added those provisions to the rescue bill, it qualified as a tax bill, which the upper chamber is constitutionally prohibited from originating.

In order to get around the Constitution, the leaders turned to the time-honored stratagem of finding a live but dormant House bill--Kennedy's mental-health parity bill--to use as a shell.

"They take out the entire text" of Kennedy's old bill, "and then, by amendment, they substitute the other bill," said Don Ritchie, an assistant Senate historian.

So the bailout ended up attached to a measure that extends benefits to people suffering from depression and is named after a lawmaker who died in a crash. Never let it be said that the U.S. Senate lacks a sense of humor.

Vote...

...for Google?

WildWood

I just came back from a field trip. It was different from most field trips, though. For one thing, it lasted for three days and two nights. For another, it was at a very fun place: WildWood!
WildWood is a camp for schools to take their kids to. You can learn about nature, have fun, eat good food, have fun, have a campfire, have fun, see animals (including deer, which I liked, and copperheads right outside our cabin, which I did not) and have a lot of fun!
A lot of the stuff we did at Sequoia Kings Canyon, but with friends from school, not with family.
The first day started at school, where we had a brief explanation of bus rules (no yelling out, keep your hands to yourself, blahblahblahblahblah...) and then got on the bus for the hour-long ride there. Unfortunately, what we had on that first day was whatever you had on the bus, we didn't get to our cabins and unpack until 5:30, and I didn't have my camera. So when you look at the pictures on my NEW PICASA SITE there aren't very many on the first day; only the first four, in fact.
So!
After we arrived, we had an explanation of the rules at WildWood (no yelling out, keep your hands to yourself, blahblahblahblahblah...) and then split into our groups. The 6th grade was divided into groups A,B,C,D,E, and F. I was in group E. Most of the kids would say things like, "Group F is for FANTASTIC!" or "Group A is for AWESOME!" We came up with, "Group E is for EGGS!"
Hey, we were hungry.
So!
Groups A,B, and C went off to do the Challenge Course which I'll tell you about later. Groups D, E, and F went to play some kickball!
I'm not saying who won F. But rest assured, it was probably the one I was on No it wasn't. But you can't have three teams playing kickball so group D played a game called Sprout ball against itself., which is basically tag except that you tag the other person with a ball, not with your hand.
After that, we got into our real classes. E went to Sensory. First, we went along the Unnatural Trail. It's a normal hiking trail, except that there are things planted along. Things like old mops, bottles, ratty pieces of string, an old broom, a rusty cage...
well, you get the idea. You had to find all of the unnatural things you could, then we went back and she told us what everything was and we could see how many we got.
I got four...out of eleven.
...
Well, anyway [koff] moving on. Then, as more sensory, we went to this big treehouse in the woods. We sat, listened, and wrote poems about nature. I wrote one about spiders, which I'll put up on the site later.
Maybe.
Anyway, after that we had Recreation Time, which I do have pictures of because we did it again on Friday. At Recreation time, you could do one of three things. You could read first of all, which I'm normally all for. However, choice number two was to canoe, which I had never done before. Let me tell you something...
I loved it!
That was the only thing I did in both of my recreation times! It is so much fun! I HEART CANOEING!
Choice three was fishing. (yawn.) You go ahead and catch the fish, I'll wait for you at home and help you eat it.
Third class. We went to the cemetary! I was so disappointed not to have my camera for this part. There was some really ornate stuff there! Fortunately, I have some good friends in group F, and I had them take some pictures of the place for me on Friday. So you can see those.
We went on a scavenger hunt there, looking for certain names, looking for the oldest person there, things like that.
Then we went back to the cabins to unpack, then off to the dining hall for food. This is where I got my first glimpse of what cabin life was going to be like.
It scared me!
And with good reason, too.
Pillow Wars, easily ten times more dangerous than measly pillow fights, raged on. In the night, I couldn't get to sleep until around midnight thanks to people saying things like, "OMG! There's something outside!"
There was one event in particular...
(VArious boys in the cabin, looking out the window, around 11:00 at night:) OMG! There's a demented dog outside!
(Isaac, trying to sleep and quite annoyed at this point:) A what?
A demented dog! Dude, I swear it's moving! It's so freaky!
Groan. Let me see. (shuffle shuffle.) You Shmuck, it's a trash can.
No, Dude, it's a demented dog.
It's a trash can.
Shut up, Isaac!
(Mr. Whitney, gym teacher, sleeping at the cabin, trying to keep order:) Hey! We do NOT use that kind of language!
Sorry. But Mr. Whitney, Dude, there's a demented dog outside! Dude, it's FREAKY, dude!
(Many of the boys in my cabin, I noticed, tended to say "dude" a lot when they got scared.)
What? (shuffle shuffle) It's a trash can.
What? But I swear, Dude, I saw it moving!
(Isaac, shuffling back:) I wish you guys would go to sleep.
Dude, it was-
Go to sleep.
But, Dude-
GO TO SLEEP!
(sigh.) Anyway, I was going to talk about what happened before all that but right after supper. Each cabin was instructed to get a pillowcase, fill it with "things you think you'll need", and meet back right outside the dining hall.
A lot of the boys in our cabin wanted to fill it full of underwear. That idea was scrapped by Mr. Whitney, but he couldn't stop them from putting a couple pairs in there anyway. I took a picture of most of the stuff we put in there so I won't go into detail.
What happened when we met with the other cabins was that one of the teachers would read out something like, "a box of batteries, 100 points," or, "an ace of spades, 50 points." If any cabin had that in their pillowcase, they brought it up and got that many points. At the end, the cabin with the most points won. Would you like to guess what cabin won?
BIG PRARIE!
...
MY CABIN!
After thst, we had to put on a skit or write a song about WildWood using those things as props. Big Praries passed the pillowcase around the circle, pulled something out, said, "this is what I brought to WildWood!" and passed it along in a poor excuse for a skit. I had a different idea, but I was outvoted...meh!
And now, it is past my bedtime. So I'll write more tomorrow.
Fair enough?
Ok, then.
Good Night!

Brace Yourself

Try not to take the news too hard, Ruhe.

Marble jar partys

Today at school we had a marble jar party-a fun event that happens when we fill the marble jar from good behavior and it was getting to watch a movie instead of math class '' Charlotte's web''the cartoon math class is from end of lunch to start of recess.

New pictures

I've uploaded some new pictures here. There are the boys' back to school pictures and Isaiah's bike rodeo. I also put some new pictures in the Renaissance Festival folder, from this year. Here's a picture from when we made ice cream. Yum!

Okapi

Those who know me well know that I am fascinated by the okapi, a relative of the giraffe which appears to have the hindquarters of a zebra.

Therefore, I was thrilled to hear that, not only are they not extinct, but that they have finally been photographed in the wild.

Camera traps set up by the Zoological Society of London (ZSL) and the Congolese Institute for Nature Conservation (ICCN) in the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC) have captured landmark pictures in Virunga National Park (VNP) - proving that the species is still surviving there despite Over a Decade of Civil Conflict (WAR).

Yes, it is certainly a thrill to look at the first picture of an okapi in the wild. If you pay careful attention, you can tell that it is looking straight at the camera. Can you feel the camera operator's excitement?The next picture, taken eleven days later, is even better, though it reminds me of the photographic skills of certain grandmothers I know.

However, it is the third picture of an okapi in the wild which says it all, really. This is what nature conservancy is all about. This is why you should donate to the okapi project.

If that does not convince you, then you should see the sort of photograph researchers have been taking in the past.

I'm convinced...

...that the Apocalypse is Overdue.

Click for more, at your own risk.

Very good, Jeeves.

Recently, the four of us have been watching an old TV show: Jeeves and Wooster. It stars Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry. Hugh Laurie plays Bertie Wooster, a high class British twit with whom brilliance is not his strong point. He's always getting into scrapes, but can fortunately always count on Jeeves (no first name given) his manservant, brilliant to the last and highly sophisticated to bring him out of it. The episodes are set in England and based off of the stories by Pelham Grenville (usually called "PG") Wodehouse. Mom and I have also read the stories and enjoyed them too.

Grassroots Effort

Since I am thoroughly disgusted with both candidates, this was a welcome relief.

Cuteness!

Ok, as you all may or may not know, my little brother Isaiah is the cutest third grader ever!
And he's at his cutest when he's sleeping.
These days, I get up at 5:30 for Prealgebra and Isaiah usually doesn't wake up until 6:30. Therefore, I'm awake while he's asleep.
So, I took these pictures. I'm no photographer, but they're not too bad!

What can I say? So cute!

Then he woke up. Still cute...
...Until he tried to block the camera.

Anyway, I thought you all might like to see!

bike rodeo

I had a bike rodeo today and it was not much of a rodeo.
A friend of mine thought so too his name is Sam and he and I both thought that it would be ride all over and have fun.
We missed our second recess for a tiny track with stop signs yield signs roundabouts and non-fun.
So I think it was a waste of time.
-Isaiah
-the annoyed

Book reviews

One of the funniest books I have read recently is The True Meaning of Smekday. It had me laughing out loud. I talked Christopher and Isaac into reading it, too. It is an alien invasion story told by a young girl whose mother was kidnapped by the aliens. She is telling the story for a school project.

A book to avoid: Rune Warriors. This book isn't published yet, but I signed up for an Advance Reader's copy. The description looked interesting, and the cover looked cool. You can't judge a book by it's cover, though. This book is a stinker. The writers are used to writing scripts for cartoons and it shows. The story is predictable. I didn't care about any of the characters. I wouldn't even have finished the book if I hadn't promised HarperCollins I'd write the review for it.

A great series I've been reading recently is the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency, by Alexander McCall Smith. They are set in Botswana, and they are funny, light reading. They really give you a look into the lives of the people there.

School

I just started school,and now I am convinced that I have one of the best teachers... Mrs. Stealey!
She has the best board games, a lot of them too! A very fun teacher. She has the best room in the school.

Ownership should be mandatory

For more information: http://jennylc.com/cellbooth/.

Pirate's Cove

Ok, so here' s the deal:

This is a story I wrote for EL (Enhanced Learning.) Everyone there liked it and I know that the family likes to read my stories so here it is.
If you don't like it, that's fine too.
Post some comments! Show us you're still reading!

___________________________________________________________________

Frederico was not like other pirates. For one thing, few pirates are cursed and live to tell the tale. For another, few pirates have seen death face to face; but perhaps the most incredible thing about him was that in a very dangerous job, he had survived for a long time.

This was in part thanks to the Flying Dutchman. However, he wouldn’t have the Flying Dutchman if it weren’t for Black Nathaniel. And he wouldn’t have had to worry about Black Nathaniel if he were a normal sailor. And he might have been a normal sailor without his father’s death.

So let’s start there. Frederico’s father was a pirate, and I haven’t been able to find out why. Captain Jack McClellan liked food, fight, and…mostly food. His ship was the Silver Blade, and his main target was “Chick House: For All Your Grocery Needs!” The sales ship went by every now and again, and Jack was usually waiting for it.

His son, however, did not share his father’s enthusiasm for piracy. He thought it would be much more exciting to be a regular sailor. However, he changed his mind the day they saw the red sails.

The red sails were a trademark of Captain Black Nathaniel, the most evil pirate ever. His Code of Conduct was: “Do as I say, WHEN I SAY IT!!” He had lost his left hand, but instead of using the traditional hook, he used a dagger in its place! His ship was the Dark Patch, which presumably meant eye patch. Little was known about Black Nathaniel. All a pirate really needed to know was: If you see red sails, RUN!

Now, back to Frederico. The Black Patch came upon them and rammed into their side. The Silver Blade, having only three cannons and a harpoon launcher, surrendered. After being completely looted of all gold, and rum, Black Nathaniel said,

“This be what happens to them what defy the Black Patch!”

Then he killed Jack McClellan.

Frederico’s feelings were impossible to describe if you have not lost a loved one, but Black Nathaniel didn’t feel a thing as he jumped back onto the deck of The Patch. “See you later!” He said as he sailed off into the fog.

Frederico stood there speechless until the First Mate, Red Ethan, said, “Don’t worry! At least some good has come of this for you! According to your father’s Code of Conduct, you’re the new captain!”

Frederico stormed off to his cabin and didn’t come out that day.

* * *

Now, Frederico did become the captain and found he enjoyed a pirate’s life! There were some problems at first (including no less than 5 failed mutinies,) but eventually things settled down.

It is now about 12 years later. Frederico had just returned from Port Royale. “Beggin’ me pardon, sir,” said the new first mate, “but what were you doing there if you came back empty handed?”

Frederico took out a map from his pocket. “Getting information,” he said. “I have discovered that Black Nathaniel, the villain who murdered my father, has been sighted off the coast of Montaria. We shall go there and avenge my father!”

So they did. What they found there would haunt them for the rest of their days. “Look!” said the first mate, “that must be his ship!”

It was a ship, all right. The Flying Dutchman.

A huge, 10 cannon ship with seaweed hanging from the figurehead and tattered sails. There is more to say about the Dutchman, but I shall let the reader figure it out at the same time as Frederico.

Now, Frederico was a bright pirate, but pirates aren’t really at all bright. “That must be Black Nathaniel’s ship!” he cried, “seize it!”

Then he jumped onto the deck and said, “I, Frederico McClellan, declare this ship to be…MINE!”

They didn’t stay for long. They headed North in hopes of escaping Black Nathaniel. They didn’t even realize that the ship didn’t have red sails, do it couldn’t be his!

Of course, they did have other things to worry about. The new ship seemed to be steering itself! It headed away to a mysterious unknown murky swampland.

When they got there, Frederico said, “Any volunteers for an exploring party?”

No one volunteered. Frederico rolled his eyes, pointed his cutlass at three men and said, “You volunteer!”

The reluctant exploring party went deeper into the swamp, when they heard a voice say “Frederico McClellan?”

Frederico jumped! His men, deciding that their volunteer time was over, fled back to the ship. “Calm down. I just want to speak to you, Frederico.”

Two men stepped out from the swamp. They had a strange glow to them and one of them had a starfish on his face. The starfish-less one said, “I am John Robin and this is my cohort, Mr. Thomas Gibbs”

Starfish face nodded. John Robin continued, “It is our duty to tell you these things, since you are the immortal captain of the Flying Dutchman.”

“Immortal?!?” said Frederico.

“Yes, have ye not heard the pirate legend of the Flying Dutchman?” asked John Robin.

“Uh, no.”

“Well, you’re immortal nonetheless. But there is a catch…”

“What? What is the catch?”

“Stop interrupting! The catch is this: you have to defend this key and this map with your immortal life,” John handed these things to Frederico.

“What are these for?”

“This map leads to a spot on an island on which there is a treasure chest that can only be unlocked with the key,” said John Robin.

“You do get the ship,” said Mr. Gibbs.

“What’s so great about the ship?” asked Frederico.

“We’ll show you,” said John Robin.

They headed back towards the ship. “Not enough cannons,” murmured Mr. Gibbs, “I’ve always said that.” They stepped onto the deck. All the crew wondered who these strange men were, especially starfish face there, he looks suspicious.

“Come on, come on!” said John Robin, “Haul to! Raise anchor! Swab the decks! Prepare to set sail! I will tolerate NOOO laziness!”

“What’s our bearing?”

“Up!” said John Robin. Everyone wondered what that meant, but not for long, because as he said, John Robin tolerated NOOO laziness!

Soon they were heading out to sea. John Robin, Gibbs, and Frederico stood on the main deck, Gibbs steering the ship. John Robin spoke, “when you’re the captain, you can harness the power of the Flying Dutchman to, as the name says, fly!”

As he said this, John Robin concentrated. “Fly, Fly, FLY!” Then, suddenly, the ship splashed out of the water and flew into the air. It was the most spectacular thing Frederico had ever seen!

But Frederico was puzzled. “I thought I was the captain of the Dutchman”

“You are, but there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. I have power beyond even yours, but I got it at a price. Set sail for Pirate’s Cove!” yelled John Robin.

It flew up, into a spot where the clouds were shaped like an “X”. The Dutchman flew straight into the center of the X.

It surfaced on a patch of land that was red and dry. There was no water anywhere around, and some strange, misshapen plants as tall as a building.

“Ah,” said John Robin, “the so-called land of Pirate’s Cove.”

“Home of cursed ground that can only be gotten to with a cursed ship,” said Frederico.

“And the cursed treasure,” said Mr. Gibbs.

“Ooh! Treasure! I like treasure!” said Frederico.

“Well, this treasure turns you into an evil undead creature,” said John Robin

“Sort of like being the captain of the Flying Dutchman,” said Frederico.

“Ha ha. No, the captain of the Flying Dutchman may do as he please so long as he also guards the treasure.”

“Which treasure?”

“Ok, how’s this? Treasure 1: you have to guard with your life. Treasure 2: turns the owner into a zombie.”

“Got it. Treasure 1: Good; Treasure 2: Not so good.”

“Finally.”

While John Robin and Frederico were discussing treasure, Mr. Gibbs had gone elsewhere. Coming back, he said, “the treasure’s gone.”

“Which one?”

“The cursed one.”

“Ahh. Treasure 2.”

“what?”
“Never mind.”

“Why is the treasure gone?” asked Frederico.

“Someone stole it,” said Mr. Gibbs.

* * *

They returned to the swamp. “Well, see ya,” said Frederico to John Robin and Gibbs.

“What do you mean?”

“I guard Treasure 1, remember? Not Treasure 2. So I think I’ll just...”

FREDERICO McCLELLAN?

Frederico turned nervously. John Robin and Gibbs were gone. Come to think of it, so was the ship. All that was there was a white fog and a strange figure in a black robe, hovering.

“Y-y-yes?”
DON’T STAMMER, MORTAL!

“Yes, sir. Eh, who are you sir?”

YOU MIGHT SAY I AM WHAT MAKES MORTALS…MORTAL. I AM DEATH!

“But, sir, I always heard Death had a scythe.”

SCYTHES ARE INCREDIBLY IMPRACTICAL. I HAVE A CUTLASS, BUT I LEFT IT AT HOME. I AM NOT HERE TO TAKE YOUR SOUL, BUT TO TALK TO YOU.

“Well, go on. Please?”

IT IS TRUE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO PROTECT THE CURSED TREASURE. AND I CAN’T FORCE YOU. YOU ARE IMMORTAL, AND THUS UNKILLABLE. I HATE IMMORTALS, AND THAT TREASURE WILL MAKE MANY MORE THAN THERE ALREADY ARE. I CANNOT KILL YOU, BUT I CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE IN WAYS YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY IMAGINE. GO AND Get THE TREASURE. IT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ISLAND, I BELIEVE.

“Alright, alright! I’ll go after the cursed treasure!”

“Good,” said John Robin, standing on the deck of the Flying Dutchman next to Mr. Gibbs.

“But there was-Death was-but hooie-“

“Stop stammering! Mr. Gibbs, go and get our ship,” said John Robin.

Soon after, the Golden Pearl, John Robin’s ship came from the swamp. It was a large ship, but what really caught everyone’s attention was the number of cannons. 50 cannons, 25 on each side! You may not know this, but that is a huge amount of cannons on any ship, pirate or otherwise!

“I told you that your ship didn’t have enough cannons!” yelled Mr. Gibbs.

“Where are we going?” asked a pirate from Frederico’s ship.

“To the other side of the island!” said Frederico.

John Robin was about to say something, but the look Frederico gave him made him be quiet.

* * *

The other side of the island was, surprise, surprise, still swampy, if not even more so. On it were strange, howling creatures.

“Banshees,” said John Robin, “that can’t be good.”

“They remind me of Death,” said Frederico.

“Me too,” said Mr. Gibbs, which made Frederico wonder even more about John Robin and his cohort.

After the banshees, the water was to shallow for the ships to go on, so Frederico, John Robin, Mr. Gibbs, and some “volunteers” from Frederico’s crew crept forward on foot. What they saw chilled Frederico to the bone, and this being the guy who had just seen Death face-to-face.

They saw…humans? Not exactly. These humans looked were literally only skin and bone, their face being mere skulls, the rest of them having very little skin. These were, of course, zombies. They were charging towards an island house, led by a zombie with a tricorn pirate hat and a skeleton wearing a bandana.

Frederico gasped, “The one wearing the tricorn hat?”

“What?” asked John Robin, busy looking around

“That’s Black Nathaniel! The man who murdered my father! CHARRG-“

John Robin slapped Frederico and held him back. “No! He’s just as immortal as you, perhaps more so! We need that treasure!”

“Which one?”

“It’s obvious! Treasure 2, the zombie maker, is missing. Then you get a tip from Death that it’s on the other side of the island. Then, on the other side of the island, we see a group of zombies led by Black Nathaniel. Therefore, Nathaniel took the treasure! So all we have to do is find it.”

“There it is!” pointed a crewmate “volunteer”.

“Ok, here’s the plan,” said John Robin. “You, the volunteers, attack the zombies. Frederico, Mr. Gibbs, and I shall try to get the treasure while everyone is distracted.”

Now, pirates generally are all for sacrificing lives…as long as it’s happening to someone else. However, after much prodding with three separate cutlasses, they agreed to this suicidal plan.

“CHAAAAARGE!!” cried the first mate as the pirates attacked.

Now, if there’s one thing on Earth dumber than pirates, its zombies, so it took them a moment to figure out what was going on. Meanwhile, the pirates were fighting at their hardest, and were actually winning…at first. However, having both the advantage of numbers and, um, immortality, the zombies soon had the upper hand.

While all this craziness was going on, Frederico, John Robin, and Mr. Gibbs crept sneakily towards the treasure. They were doing good, but, as the reader might have guessed, Frederico blew it. “Yes!” he said, alerting Black Nathaniel to their presence.

“ARRR!” cried Black Nathaniel.

“Oh great, another guy who talks in fonts,” said Mr. Gibbs.

“ARRR!” said font-speak again. “YOU SEEM TO HAVE MY TREASURE! I SHALL ENJOY KILLING YOU, BUT FIRST, WHO ARE YOU?”

“I am Frederico McClellan. You killed my father, and now I shall kill you!” yelled Frederico in a fit of fury over his dead father. He leapt out and attacked Nathaniel, who soon engaged with him in immortal combat.

“These guys are crazy,” said John Robin, turning back to the treasure.

“Definitely,” said Mr. Gibbs, “so, how shall we destroy this thing?”

“I don’t know. I wish someone would hurry up and invent the gas lighter.”

“Oh yeah, I remember that. Well, shall we rub two sticks together.”

“Nah, let’s just use that fire spell.”

“Alright, but I just hope that Frederico can keep ol’ treasure-stealer away while we cast it.”

The pirates v zombies battle was still going strong. Oh, who am I kidding, the pirates were exhausted by now and were getting picked off one by one. The only place where any real fighting was going on was the battle between Frederico and Black Nathaniel, which, since it was between two immortals, could go on forever. Unless, that is…

“Ah- ha!” cried John Robin, holding the flaming treasure in his hands, “Death to all zombies!”

And at that moment, every single zombie in the place screamed. A scream like had never been heard before, a scream that burst all of the remaining pirates’ eardrums, except for the immortal ones, that is. An awful, terrible scream.

And none screamed louder than Black Nathaniel.

After two hours, every zombie there had been reduced to ash.

* * *

“Well,” said Frederico McClellan, “before I go off on my adventures, I just want to know one last thing.”

“What’s that?” asked John Robin. The two of them were standing on the deck of The Flying Dutchman, saying their goodbyes.

“Will I ever know the truth about you and Mr. Gibbs?”

John Robin laughed, then said, “Never, Frederico, never.”

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