Congress: Taking Care of You

The Real Kung Fu Jews

... and the not-so real...

Dead, but Not Off-Line

The Apocalypse may be overdue, but at least it will not prevent e-mail.

For example, there is the Harwich, Mass.-based Web site YouveBeenLeftBehind.com (whose link I accidentally forgot to include) promises to save your advice for relatives and friends whom you fear might not make it to Heaven should the end of the world occur.

The computer system is designed to detect the Rapture: A group of several faithful families, geographically dispersed, log into the system daily, and their failure to do so trips the switch. In that event, the system presumes those families were taken up in the Rapture, and sends out your last-chance advice to a list of 60 or more addressees.

Several hundred customers have signed up to pay $14.95 per year, since the site launched a year ago.

"I did set up a message to go to my wife," said Mark Heard, founder of the site. "She was the inspiration for the whole thing because she's not really on board with me in this belief."

Overall, funeral directors expect baby boomers will attempt to create a vibrant online life after death, especially Facebook, which I refuse to join, despite the fact that most of my extended family is using it to the exclusion of telling me what is going on in their lives.

The Apocalypse...with a side of Bacon?!?

Dad, perhaps your hope for the apocalypse has finally come true.
Recently, as we learned at EL, there has been an epidemic of Swine Flu in Israel, Canada, Mexico, and many other places. The United States seems to be one of the few places where it is not hitting hard, though, so don't worry. However, many fear that this will be the biggest pandemic since smallpox.
My friends, who have teased me so long about how terrible it is fro me that I can't eat bacon, now call me lucky.
That, to me, is the biggest indication that something is very wrong.
Swine Flu mostly affects those with weak immune systems, such as very young children and the elderly.
I am a twelve-year-old non-pig eater, so I'm not too worried about it.
Are you?

Encore--one more time!

At school, my fellows* and I are performing a music program called "Encore--The music of our times." It has fifty songs, with seven acts, and we have dances for each and every song.
I really wanted to have the solo for Spinning Wheel, by Blood, Sweat, and Tears, but instead, I'm singing I Want to Hold Your Hand, by the Beatles. It worked out, though, because I'm paired with one of my best friends. Yes, there are only two Beatles. There were originally going to be four, but they changed that. Our music teacher says that it's because, in their later years, there were only two Beatles. However, I have a suspicion that it has something to do with the fact that only two of us tried out for the quartet.
I assume Mom will be taking pictures that we can put on the site, but we'll see how that goes.

*=fellow fifth and sixth graders, that is

For What‽

The Kansas City Chiefs have traded Tony Gonzales, the best tight end in the business, to the Atlanta Falcons Tony Gonzalez for a draft pick next year. A second-round draft pick.

On Tuesday, the Chefs signed unrestricted free-agent TE Sean Ryan, and announced they have waived OT Andrew Carnahan, LB Curtis Gatewood and WR Kevin Robinson.

In related news, it would appear that new Chefs general manager Scott Pioli has apparently traded mascot KC Wolf for a couple of brats, and the entire cheer squad for "a really cool grill".

"This was a bad move by the Chiefs," says ESPN.com's Bill Williamson, "And it was a move that makes it difficult to believe they will be improved in 2009 because of it."

The Chefs insisted they also improved their chances for success in 2009 by making the trade, but all I can say is "Great Googaly Moogaly."

UPDATE: Joe Posnanski says it all:

And when the Chiefs announced the deal Thursday, I just kept thinking back to the way he would tuck away the ball every time he caught it. It's the simplest thing, the most basic fundamental, but I've never seen anyone else do it every time the way Gonzalez does. Through good and bad, through wins and too many losses, through contract squabbles and record-breaking days, he always tucked the ball away.

There really isn't much more you can ask of a man.

Woman Without Man

What would women look like without men? I believe science has given us some idea.

Experts have discovered a South American species that is exclusively female and reproduces asexually by cloning the queen. Reproduction without sex is fairly common in the ant world, but the Mycocepurus smithii is the first known to be a male-free species.

And aren't they lovely little ladies? Don't you just want to pucker up?
No? You don't want to kiss that face?

Then we had better keep buying bicycles for fish.