Why Dave Barry Was My Candidate of Choice

From Dave Barry's Year in Review:

On the Democratic side, the surprise winner is Barack Obama, who is running for president on a long and impressive record of running for president. A mesmerizing speaker, Obama electrifies voters with his exciting new ideas for change, although people have trouble remembering exactly what these ideas were because they were so darned mesmerized. Some people become so excited that they actually pass out. These are members of the press corps.

Carnage

Spotlight on Isaiah

On December 9th, Isaiah's class had their "Music Demonstration" and Open House. "Music Demonstration" means they show us what they've been learning in music class: singing and dancing and playing instruments. One thing Isaiah's class did was a square dance. It was so funny, a short while into it, we realized we had to video it for you all. Click here to see part of the video. It isn't as clear as I'd hoped, but Isaiah is in the back circle, usually with his back to the camera. You'll recognize him as the one jumping up and down.

We also took a few more pictures which you can see here. The last song they did, the kids were told to go pick a member of their family from the audience to dance with them. They always seem to pick me...

Kite Flying in December?

Yes, on December 13th, it was a very, very windy day, but not very cold. We decided to get out our old kite and try flying it. The boys can't even remember the last time we flew the kite, so it has been a long, long time. I was afraid the kite string would be frayed and would snap in the wind, but that wasn't what we should have been worried about.

Instead, shortly after we got the kite flying, the stick bracing the back open snapped in half. We tried substituting sticks we found at the park, but they were too flexible and just popped out. So we walked home and found a thicker dowel rod we had from something else. Christopher cut it down to size, and we took the kite back to the park to try to fly it again.

It worked great, until the kite took a nose-dive and landed right on its tip. This snapped the stick that is the spine of the kite. However, we were able to still fly the kite for short periods of time with its tip folded down. We got some good pictures too. Here you can see our kite with the tip folded down. Now the boys want us to go buy a new kite, but it's the wrong season to find them in the stores. Maybe next spring.

An Outpouring of Faith

There are some games where cheering for the other side feels better than winning.

Rick Reilly writes for ESPN, where he describes what is most likely the oddest game in high school football history, played last month down in Grapevine, Texas.

Grapevine Faith, with a record of 7-2 going into the game, played Gainesville State School, 0-8 with 2 touchdowns for the year.

But Gainesville is a maximum-security correctional facility 75 miles north of Dallas. Its kids have convictions for drugs, assault and robbery. Many of their families have disowned them, and football is one of the few outlets for these kids to be kids. Even at that, it is rough.

"We can tell people are a little afraid of us when we come to the games," says Gerald, a lineman who will wind up doing more than three years. "You can see it in their eyes. They're lookin' at us like we're criminals."

12 uniformed officers escort the 14 Gainesville players off the field. After the game, handcuffs ready in their back pockets, they line the players up in groups of five and march them to the team bus.

But Faith's head coach, Kris Hogan, wanted to do something kind for the Gainesville team. Faith has 70 kids, 11 coaches, the latest equipment and involved parents.

So Hogan had this idea. What if half of our fans—for one night only—cheered for the other team? He sent out an email asking the Faithful to do just that. "Here's the message I want you to send:" Hogan wrote. "You are just as valuable as any other person on planet Earth."

Some people were naturally confused. One Faith player walked into Hogan's office and asked, "Coach, why are we doing this?"

And Hogan said, "Imagine if you didn't have a home life. Imagine if everybody had pretty much given up on you. Now imagine what it would mean for hundreds of people to suddenly believe in you."

Next thing you know, the Gainesville Tornadoes were turning around on their bench to see something they never had before. Hundreds of fans. And actual cheerleaders!

After the game, both teams gathered in the middle of the field to pray. Gainesville's QB and middle linebacker Isaiah surprised everybody by asking to lead. "We had no idea what the kid was going to say," remembers Coach Hogan. But Isaiah said this: "L~rd, I don't know how this happened, so I don't know how to say thank You, but I never would've known there was so many people in the world that cared about us."

As the Tornadoes walked back to their bus under guard, they each were handed a bag for the ride home—a burger, some fries, a soda, some candy, a Bible and an encouraging letter from a Faith player.

Most importantly, they were given the gift of hope.

Gainesville coach Mark Williams saw Hogan, grabbed him hard by the shoulders and said, "You'll never know what your people did for these kids tonight. You'll never, ever know."

Seasoned Greetings

Right, I have nothing against the holiday spirit, but enough is enough.

City crews in the Des Moines suburb of Ankeny are using garlic salt to melt snow and ice on streets from Tuesday's storm.

Bug of the Indefinite Interval

These may look like Ruhe's first boyfriend giant woodlice, but are actually Isopods that live deep under the waves.

They survive in the pitch black and cold they survive up to 6000 feet below the water, growing up to a foot long by feasting on dead and decaying fish and other marine animals.

We Can Build on This

Over at ESPN, Bill Simmons ranked the Kansas City Chiefs 27 on his Power Poll with this:

Every Sunday, when something horrible happens with the Chiefs, I text my friend Mike Lombardi, "We can build on this!!!!!!!!" and he texts back, "Let's build something together!" It's our little running joke. Three reasons I'm telling you this: First, I think I've sent that text on eight Sundays this season (and none of them were forces; there was a legitimate reason each time). Second, I had never sent two "We can build on this!!!!!" texts in the same game until Week 15's ubercollapse against San Diego. And third, usually the only variation of the joke is the number of exclamation points … but after watching Herm Edwards' team blow two timeouts with an 11-point lead, give up a score, blow the onside kick, give up the go-ahead TD, drive back to field-goal range before running out of timeouts and then hook the potential game-winning field goal in the blink of an eye, I actually changed my second text to, "For G~d's sake, we can build on this!!!!!!"

I thought it demanded a little improvisation. I hope Edwards doesn't mind. But then I realized something: There was a lesson there. See, we can build on this. Whether it's football, the "we can build on this" joke or anything else, we can always build on this. I'm starting to think Edwards is a genius.

The average sports fan from outside this area does not know Joe Posnanski, columnist for The Kansas City Star, but among his sportswriting peers, he’s considered among the very best, and he represents one of two* reasons to read the former home of Hemingway.

His piece on the most humiliating loss in Chiefs' history is delicious: Ready, Aim -- Fire Everybody.

OK, I'm convinced now. Fire everybody. Fire Carl. Fire Herm. Fire Gunther. Fire the players. After that game, there's really nothing to say but: Fire them all. And they should not stop there. The Chiefs should hire Greg Robinson back just so they can fire him again. They should call John Mackovic just to remind him that he got fired. They should bring in Donald Trump to walk through Arrowhead's coaches offices and the locker room, just so everyone will fully understand what's going on.

Everyone who would care knows that I've been holding out on the firing thing — holding out because I like Chiefs coach Herm Edwards, holding out because Gunther Cunningham has always been one of my favorite people, holding out because, even though I've written that Carl Peterson should be replaced, I do appreciate what he did for the Chiefs his first decade. And anyway, we are talking about real people with real families and real feelings; it's a harsh thing to write in the newspaper that someone should lose their job, especially in times like these.

But ... really, what else is there to say after the Chiefs' utterly remarkable 22-21 loss to San Diego on Sunday at Arrowhead. I tried to come up with some positive thoughts about the game, even wrote them down, but as I look at the list now, it doesn't seem especially impressive.

...And the truth is that, after that sort of mind-shattering collapse, it's hard to come up with a single good reason why anybody involved with the Chiefs should be back next season. Sure, everyone knew that this year would be trying, that there would be more losses than wins, that young players would make lots of mistakes. But there was no way to see this mess coming.

Then there is his much calmer, more clear-headed article on the actual dismissal of CEO, president, and General Manager Carl Peterson by owner Clark Hunt:

Monday, Clark Hunt announced that Carl Peterson had resigned as president, general manager and CEO of the Kansas City Chiefs. Yes, that's what the honking horns and fireworks were all about. Yes, that's why you saw complete strangers kissing on every street corner.

It's a shame that it ends this way for Peterson, who will finish off his era in two weeks, closing out 20 years. As you might imagine, I was designated as the person to say something nice about Carl, and I will point to the first nine years. They were pretty great. The Chiefs went to the playoffs seven times, and they reached the AFC championship game once, and fans poured into Arrowhead Stadium. Carl changed the landscape of this city. He hired Marty Schottenheimer as coach, he opened up the parking lot for the best tailgate scene in professional sports, he got Joe Montana and Marcus Allen, and he drafted Derrick Thomas and Will Shields and Tony Gonzalez. And that's a lot of good.

Of course, the last 11 years have not been so good — two playoff appearances, six losing seasons, four head coaches, perpetually awful defenses, zero playoff victories, shaky drafts — and that's why in many ways Monday was not really about Carl Peterson. His time was running out. No, Monday was about Clark Hunt.

Either way, you need to get some Joe.

*The second reason is that you found it on a bench where you have a long wait and a creepy person with uneven eyes staring at you while playing an imaginary banjo. At least, those are the only two I can think of.

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,720

And now, a camera that poops your prints.

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,719

"The Nosefrida," the Cool Tools website assures us, "Is a remarkably effective tool for sucking snot out of a kid's nose."

It certainly is remarkable, since it consists of a flexible plastic tube with a mouthpiece on one end and a snot-collection chamber on the other. You put the mouthpiece in your mouth, press the open end of the snot-collection chamber against your kid's nostril, and, according to the website, suck.

Note the use of the second person in the preceding, as there is no chance that I am going to suck any child's snot through a tube.

If you want more exciting info, check out the product's FAQ. You will especially enjoy the photos of happy mothers and children.

You may also want to note that Nosefrida is now available in select retail locations (A complete list can be found here). However, I urge you to consider that this does not make the perfect holiday gift.

Woo-hoo!

Celebrate, celebrate, dance to the music.

Sign the Apocalypse Is Overdue # 12,718

No further commentary needed, I believe.

Too Big to Fail

Bug of the Day

The Assassin Spider: it has a neck!

Isaiah's birthday

I've finally gotten the pictures uploaded from Isaiah's birthday. I apologize that the pictures are not great. Isaac's camera is not a great indoor camera. We have ordered a new camera to replace our old one, but it hasn't arrived yet.

You can't see it very well in the picture, but Isaiah's new shirt is called "Let the Cookie Win." We thought it went well with Isaac's shirt, "Come to the Dark Side."